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10.24.2014

Rotten Apple

My life just gets tougher. But so am I.

I've learned today that people will only respect you depends on how much money you have. That nowadays, people no longer respect you who you are, for your effort, for your generosity, for your ambitions and for your good deed.

People only respect money.

If you're down on your knees, you will be surprised of how many people will pretend that you don't exist. They will just leave you. People you thought will have your back.. Well, they're gonna turn their head and just walk away. Don't be surprised if they're someone you grew up with together.

You will also be grateful to know who stays. Who were there to pull you up. They may also be someone you just met.

I've always hold on to this..

God knows best. He will take away what's bad for you, and will give what's best for you.

If this is what I have to go trough to reach my goals, so be it. Bring it on. Ro

10.22.2014

Changes

I used to fear change. I hate it.

But I cannot run away from it. I feel like I was being strapped down in a chair, forced to watch my life change. Forced to accept it. There's no way out. And I am marching forward to unknown future. Because I didn't get options to choose.

I had to adapt.

When Ibu fell ill.. Honestly, I couldn't accept it. Why does it has to be me? Why us? Why Ibu? Why...?? Just whyyy???

I still remember that night clearly.. I couldn't close my eyes for even 1 minute.

Please not my biggest fear..
Please..
I had already lost too many people that I love, that I need.
Please not her.


Please......


Alhamdulillah it wasn't her time yet. I still get to hug her, to kiss her, to hold her. The doctor said she was lucky.

I only have her in my life. I don't wanna lose her. I pray hard everyday that I wanna die together with her since I was little, that I don't wanna live a life without her.

I wasn't completely recovered from depression that I'm going through. Who can recover anyway? I'd go crazy the second she goes away. She is my everything.

She's not the same. Well, yeah obviously physically. I don't mind that.
But she's not herself anymore. And that's the part that make my life changed completely.

I had to work extra hard. I had to double my hard work to run my business. To support her. To pay all her 1xx,xxx debt. She couldn't work. And I didn't have a job. Only running a small business. I was just starting.

She was in the hospital for 1 month and it's time for her to come home. I was a mess. We were a mess. I couldn't support her.. We had to go Melaka every week for 3 days 2 nights for her alternative treatment. She had no saving.. And I am running out of money. We were completely broke and I almost broke down.

Allah won't give what we can't handle, right?

My auntie offered to look after her while I sort everything out. It was really hard!! I was struggling really hard. I am lucky that Afiq's parents was very generous and took a really good care of me. And I am lucky to have Afiq. Alhamdulillah..

I didn't keep in touch with my friends. I didn't have time. And they left me.

I was having a really tough time for few months. I am still struggling now. But Alhamdulillah I can take ibu back from Segamat but I had to send ibu to nursing home. I want her here with me. At least I can visit her every week with 1 hour driving distance.

People talk.

Of course they do.

When Ibu were in Segamat, they said that I am anak derhaka.
When I took ibu back, they said I kidnapped her.

LOL. Yes. They used that term. And still say I'm anak derhaka. Funny isn't it?

But I don't care what they say. As long as Allah knows that I am just trying to do the best for her. To give the best for her. As long as she knows. I fear Allah, not people.

Only Allah can judge me.

The fee for the nursing home is expensive. It is for me.. I am struggling with my life. I am 23 years old but the weight on my shoulder is excessively heavy. It's overwhelming!

People keep bashing me, bullying me.. Just because I don't have anyone to back me up. I don't have a father. I don't have siblings. I only have myself and my fiance. But he's not my husband yet so he can't really help much.

Before.. I couldn't spend a week apart from her. I couldn't do anything without her. I need her. Now I have to live apart from her, I have to survive on my own. Survive for her.

And since March 2014, I had to do everything on my own. I had to work extra hard. I had to earn extra money for everything. I want to give her everything!!

My life completely changed. I've learned a lot these past few months and I've learned about people. It got me more mature and stronger. I did make wrong decisions at times. But I am still learning and improving.

I can't believe it myself that I've made it this far.

I am not perfect. I can never be perfect.
I can only try and give my best.